Chickens (or to give them their proper scientific name Cluckius kentuckius) are probably the most amazing life form on the planet. They were invented in the year 1609 by Benjamin Josuah Chicken, a Scot who wanted to create the ultimate animal. He succeeded spectacularly.

Chickens are versatile and fascinating creatures, with a myriad uses and an infinitude of talents.

Obviously they can be eaten, as can their eggs. An average chicken can lay up to 9,500 eggs a day, making them the most productive farmyard animal, pound for pound. If a chicken’s productivity was scaled up to the size of a dairy cow, it would have 46 udders, each one being the size of a wheelie bin. If the same was done for a duck, it would be able to quack at an ear-splitting volume of 195 decibels, louder than a Jumbo jet engine.

A chicken’s ability to provide tasty food is rivalled only by its domination of the feather industry. Feathers from the bird account for 99% of all feathers harvested in the world, and are used in a variety of ways, from stuffing pillows to making wigs. Many famous figures through the ages have worn chicken feather toupees, including Robbie Fowler, Gregory Peck and Henry Moore.

The talents of chickens are innumerable, but among the most interesting is their innate and comprehensive knowledge of vegetables. This has caused some conflict in the Animal Kingdom, as certain animals who consider themselves authorities on vegetables have been jealous of the chickens’ wisdom in this field. Indeed, the War of the Carrot (1903-1906) was a particularly bitter struggle which the Rabbit Federation sadly lost, leading to the annexation of many warrens throughout Western Europe. This only served to consolidate the chickens’ position as the dominant lifeform on Earth. Humans are generally unaware of this fact, but chickens really are top of the ‘pecking order’.

Currently, it is thought that the Sheep’s Republic is attempting to enrich a small amount of purified grass for use in a tactical vegetable device. A spokesram for the Republic, speaking on The 10 O’Cluck News, has denied this, saying the research is purely for domestic pasture generation. The chickens, however, still suspect fowl play.

Chickens are possessed of a surprisingly sophisticated means of communication, with a language consisting of some 58,000 words and phrases¹. This, in part, is what helped them defeat the Rabbit Federation, though chickens use their language for much more than the crushing of their enemies. Many pieces of art have been produced in the chicken world, which are so alien to humans that they have not yet been recognised as the works of genius they surely are. Some of these include the hilarious 1930s comic novels Jeeves and Rooster; the symphonies of Beakhoven and Chickovsky; the philosophical movement of eggsistentialism; and the painter Coq au Vin Gogh.

¹ Recent studies have uncovered more of the chicken language, including clucks and stances meaning I peck, we peck, they peck, he pecked and she pocked (to have pecked)

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