Everyone’s aware of the simple numbering system that’s used when describing the activities people get up to in the toilet. They might say (if feeling quite open about their private lavatory moments), that they are going (or ‘have been’ – or even ‘are doing’, if you’re there at the time) for a Number 1 or a Number 2.

For the sake of clarity, a Number 1 means the person is going to have, is having, or had, a wee.

Number 2 means they are going to have, is having, or had, a poo.

While useful in euphemising the unsavoury activities one gets up to while ‘ensconced in a trap’, it’s also rather primitive. How do your number doing both a Number 1 and a Number 2 at the same time? Is this a Number 3? Or should this be reserved for another activity altogether (changing the toilet roll, perhaps)? How can you use the toilet activity numbering system in its unsophisticated current state to quickly convey just what the hell you’ve been doing in there for the past quarter of an hour? If you could just reel off a uniquely identifying value that succinctly describes your precise behaviour while powdering your nose, you’d save a lot of time, and tastefully pretty it up at the same time, saving you the embarrassment of explicit descriptions.

Thank heavens for ATANS^TM (Advanced Toilet Activity Numbering System). With ATANS^TM, the toilet visitor can simply choose a value from up to six number groups, add them up, and announce the sum, for a unique value that can be easily understood by anyone with an official ATANS^TM reference sheet.

Here are the six number groups and their meanings.


So, how does this work? An example will help.

Say, for argument’s sake, you performed the following activities:

You go to the bathroom with the purpose of rearranging your hair, but during your hair rearrangement, the urge comes upon you to do a traditional Number 1. This you do to a high degree of precision, followed by a quick scrub of the toilet with the toilet brush, for appearance’s sake. Then you decide to spend a bit of time calculating your ATANS^TM value.

The formula to calculate your ATANS^TM value would be:

• Take the value of 0 from group 1 (Domestic)


• Take the value 96 from group 2 (Miscellaneous)


• Take the value 256 from group 3 (Personal Grooming)


• Take the value 65,536 from group 5 (Wees and Poos)

Do not take more than one value from each group. You do not need to take values from all groups, only those which are relevant.

Calculate the sum of the values selected:

0 + 96 + 256 + 65,536 = 65,888

By quoting this ATANS^TM value, anyone versed in ATANS^TM will instantly have a full picture of your visit. The numbers are spaced so that each combination gives a unique number that can be decoded to reveal the individual components.

If you happen to perform more than one activity from any one group, I’m afraid ATANS^TM isn’t much use. But as the original ATANS^TM is an open standard, anyone can add to it and change it as they see fit, to improve it and increase its sophistication. As a proof of concept, though, it’s a great success. What other system allows you to return from the WC and state in a clear, ringing tone, “I have just been for a 7,340,850!” to the enlightenment of all?

How do you decode this? Simple!

Go through the numbers in the system, from highest to lowest, subtracting from the number. If there’s a remainder but the number is more than zero, keep trying numbers. The numbers that fit tell you what went on!

7,340,850 - 6,291,456 (Sexual: Both) = 1,049,394

Subtracting either of the other two numbers from the sexual group would make the value go below zero, so they can be excluded. And anyway, there can only be one number from any one group.

So we go to the next biggest number in the next group that will fit, and subtract that from the remainder:

1,049,394 - 1,048,576 (Wees and Poos: Wee and poo) = 818

And so on…

818 – 768 (Personal Grooming: Adjust clothing/glasses) = 50

50 – 48 (Miscellaneous: Cry) = 2

2 – 2 (Domestic: Change fresh-smelling fragrance/hygiene block) = 0

We’ve hit zero, so we stop. And we can now say with complete confidence what went on during this example’s time in the washroom. It seems a mixed bag, but that’s the beauty of ATANS^TM – it conveys even the most complex lavatorial goings-on! Try it today!