I've got a red nose. Someone kindly pointed that out to me today. They said, "Why have you got a red nose?" How socially embarrassing. A red nose. People might think it's because I drink too much. It's not that. I drink just the right amount. Not enough to get a red nose.

It's not because I've got a cold. And I haven't bought a Comic Relief red nose (so people can tell I'm wacky but concerned about Africa and poor children).

No, I've got a red nose because of Starbucks. Starbucks Red Nose Syndrome, is what I've decided to call it. I contract StaRNS each and every week. On Monday I go to the train station where there are Starbucks and I get a coffee (a vanilla bullshit latte or something) and it comes with a plastic lid. I sip the coffee through the little hole in the lid like a busy American office worker in New York might do, and I rush about. The lid brushes my nose as I drink, leaving a deposit of grease. This aggravates my nose and makes a spot form, which is preceded by the redness to which I have previously referred. By the end of the week my StaRNS is full-blown, and then over the weekend it subsides as I stop going to the train station's Starbucks. Then the cycle starts all over again on Monday.

Fucking Starbucks. They have me in their thrall. £2.35 for some milk and coffee. Jesus Christ, what a penis I am to buy it from them. They're ripping me off and then giving me a red nose into the bargain. It's times like these I wish I was in communist Russia being mithered by the NKVD or someone wanting my weekly potato, to use a communist stereotype.

Starbucks should make their lids out of non-greasy (but still watertight) material. Then I could get a red nose in a more interesting way by drinking too much port.